Bloody irony

While I’m on the subject of menstruation, I simply must share a moment of irony from this morning.

So Aunt Flo, who has been pretty flaky lately and either comes a week early or two weeks late, finally got here this morning – a week late. Woo hoo, finally I’m going to be shedding all that stupid water that has gathered around my middle in the meantime. And ack, cramps. Oh well, take the bitter with the sweet, be relieved that once again I have not experienced an improbable conception and get on with Life After Shower.

Now, I just got some new Glad Rags - for those unfamiliar with this particular variety of eco-nazism, they’re cloth feminine pads. No, they’re not all that gross to deal with and yes, they’re more comfortable to me than paper. OK, glad to get that out of the way. I’ve been using these things for twelve years now, in combination with paper because I didn’t have enough of them and would get to a point where all of them were either gross or drying from being quickly washed in the sink. Then suddenly it occurred to me that, given my preference for them and given the fact that it is one of those ‘pay for it once, use it forever’ deals (which appeals to my cheaper side), AND that they were now available online instead of having to travel out to someplace cool like Sebastopol to find them (imagine the sell-job on that: “Honey, I’m going to be gone all day on Saturday – I need to drive out to Sebastopol to buy some feminine pads! Have fun bonding with the children, ta-ta!!”)…why not try to be intelligent about things and buy some more?

So I did. Picked up six more of them, and twelve liners – I now have more than enough to get through an entire period without having to do that ‘ack, quick, wash one in the sink and stand there with the blow dryer like a moron trying to dry it!’ thing.

So this morning, I go to my drawer and I take out one of my new Glad Rags. I look at it, with its crisp new ‘unbleached linen’. And, swear to Dog, I think to myself, Oh, wait, I don’t want to wear one of the new ones! I’m going to get it all ICKY!

AND THEN I STARTED TO PUT IT BACK IN THE DRAWER AND DIG FOR ONE OF THE OLD ONES!!!!!!!!

Um, hello?! Anybody home up there?! That would be the whole purpose of it?! Icky there, not in the fancy Victoria Secret underwear! (OK, well, it used to be fancy underwear. Now it’s, uh, well, let’s just say it would behoove me to consider the purchase of new underwear because in the event of an accident I will definitely be embarrassed: “Hey, check it out – this stuff is vintage 1998 VS! Doesn’t this woman ever buy new underwear? Make sure you check that insurance card, ‘cause we got ourselves one cheap witch on the table here…”)

These are the moments that really make me wonder about myself. A stab of regret for the former pristine nature, sure. But, what, the flow will be “cleaner” later in the period? Or maybe I think I’ll just keep these to show to guests? C’mon. This is like when you use a measuring cup to measure water, then put it in the dishwasher.

Oh well. At least I can blame it on my period. Normally, of course {ahem – BS alert}, I would never do such a thing. But being that I’m on the rag right now…I’m a little ditzier than usual. There’s too much blood in my chocolate stream. Please help. Operators are standing by to take your call…or you can send your Godiva directly to me at the following address…