Tendering my resignation

I am herewith tendering my resignation from modern life, because of something I just read in Real Simple magazine. YES! The same people who brought me the ‘wash the lampshades every six months or so’ directives just shared this little gem with me, which I am misquoting shamelessly due to being too damned lazy to go look at the magazine again: Dryer sheets and fabric softener remnants can cause “invisible sludge” to form on your dryer’s lint screen – so you ought to wash it with hot soapy water and a nylon brush every so often.

First I thought, Oh crap. I’ve owned that dryer for seven years now, and I have never once cleaned the lint screen that way – only peeled the lint off it and dumped it in the trash! And I trotted right over and pulled it out, and scrubbed the damned thing with soapy warm water and my trusty nylon brush. And, I guess I must confess, a lot of dirty water came off that lint screen.

But then, as I was setting it on the windowsill to dry and thinking, Hmm, that reminds me, I need to wash the Dyson filter, too… it suddenly struck me.

I just washed the dryer lint screen.

My mom was pretty Old Dutch in her cleaning style, yet I don’t remember her ever scrubbing the lint screen on our antiquated old dryer. Nor did she ever instruct me to do so, and I think at some point in my teenage years I was instructed to do just about every single household chore that could be dreamed up by a mother – even one or two that were probably just gags.

Let’s just take a look at some of the other little gems that pop up in my task list, shall we?

We have washing / drying the Dyson filter: every 3 months
And the lampshades, dusted weekly and washed semi-annually
The monthly running of the empty dishwasher with a quart of vinegar; the monthly running of the empty washing machine with a healthy dose of bleach; and the cleaning of the inside of the dryer while we’re at it
Let us not forget to spray the entire perimeter of the house with pest-repellant, monthly
The yearly cleansing of the carpets by professionals
The semi-annual scrubbing of the stove filter
Fridge coils…Re-sealing the tile grout in the hall and kitchen counters…Emptying and cleaning out the cupboards, and laying down new contact paper…Disinfecting the fridge / freezers…Disinfecting the microwave…Cleaning the window tracks…Washing the blinds…Vacuum and flip the mattresses…

AND NOW, we have ‘wash the dryer lint screen’?

Wait just a doggone minute, here.

At some point, we have just got to draw the line.

That’s it. The apron, my friends, is off.

I am going to shut this thing down, wash the Dyson filter only because if I don’t I will be thinking about it all freakin’ weekend, make myself a cup of tea (or something) and sit with my knitting watching my children frolic (OK, attempt to kill each other – but ‘frolic’ just sounds so much nicer, doesn’t it?) until my husband gets home.

And then, I’m going to paint my toenails. Yes. Yes, I am. While any number of essential household tasks go unperformed, I am going to put a mauve-ish paint on my tired old dogs and pretend it makes them look “perky.”

So there.