I am SO going to hell

I asked nicely. “Please put me on your Do Not Call list, thank you,” I said. Polite, yes?

Well, they haven’t. It has been many days now, and still I am getting two or three calls per day from my scamming friends at 727-541-0001. About half the time, I simply hit ‘ignore’ on my phone and make them go bye-bye that way. Especially if they call while I’m actively working.

But the other half…well. Let’s just say I’m displaying one of the reasons why $DEITY doesn’t want me knocking around the pearly gates.

I am particularly proud of last night’s achievement. I kept the guy on the phone for almost ten minutes - which I consider to be a kind of public service. At the very least, he wasn't scamming somebody's grandmother while he was trying to work me over.

“All Star Funeral Concierge Service, this is Mother Chaos, how can I help you?”

{slight confused pause} “Hi, yes, can I speak with [my full name here].”

“That’s me. How may I help you?”

“Hi, [my full name], I’m calling on behalf of Mastercard to thank you for being such a good customer we’d like to offer you a $1,000 shopping spree…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t accept Mastercard. Check or cash only, sorry about that.”

{pause}

“Uh, we’re calling about your Mastercard ending in 1234…”

“Hang on a second…” [tappity tappity tappity on my keyboard] “Um, sorry, I’m not finding that order number. There should be six numbers, and two letters…”

“No, ma’am, I don’t think you understand. I’m calling because, as a stellar customer for Mastercard…”

“We don’t accept Mastercard.”

“No, your Mastercard.”

“Oh, I think you’ve got the wrong number. We’re not Mastercard, we’re All Star Funeral Concierge…”

This went on for a ridiculously long time. How this guy didn’t realize he was being teased is beyond me, because I was struggling so hard not to collapse in hysterical laughter by the end of the call that my stomach hurt. Finally he blurted out, “We’ll call another time” and hung up.

This morning, I was Bruno’s Pizza. I had the slightest of New Yawk accents and chewed gum loudly into the phone.

“Izzat for pickup or free dah-livry?”

“May I speak to [my full name], please?”

“Who?”

“[My full name]”

“Don’t know ‘im. You callin’ in an order, or what?” [!POP! goes the gum into the speaker]

{click!} goes the line

I’m thinking that tonight, I may have to try the phone sex gambit. I’m not very good at it and alas am lacking in real-world knowledge as to how these things work, but I’m willing to give it a try.

{sultry voice} “Well hello there, big boy! You want who? Well, sugar, you can call me any name you like, it’s your $3.99 a minute hahahahaha…” {/sultry voice}

And I’d be speaking nothing but the blazing truth when I said I was hot. I’m in the Central Valley of California. How hot is it? The bats are falling from the belfries around here.

Oh yeah, baby. I’m hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhot…