Wrists Hurt. Need chocolate. And also beer.

My wrists are killing me. It’s definitely carpal tunnel syndrome or possibly some bone-eating fungus I’M SERIOUS! Except that it will vanish in the next day or two, right around the same time I would be able to get an appointment with a doctor about it because it is NOT carpal tunnel or a bone-eating fungus, it is…well. It recurs about monthly. In other words, periodically. Around the same time I start retaining more water than the Hoover Dam and perhaps become a tad more emotional than I am at other times.

This is yet another reason why I am coming to loathe the phrase “as we age”. OH YES THEY DID! “Gee, my wrists become incredibly painful every month, to the point where normal activities hurt ridiculously and no, seriously, I’ve even had trouble turning a door knob not to mention dropping things for no apparent reason…” “Well,” ponders the twelve year old {alleged} orthopedic specialist. “You know, as we age !GAK!”

The !GAK!, of course, being the point where I get a good grip on his stethoscope.

I swear to Dog, if I were to walk into the hospital with a kitchen knife protruding from my eyeball, the doctor (and, is it just me, or are they getting younger and younger every minute?!) would say, “Well you know, as we age, kitchen knives tend to start appearing in our eyeballs…”

I. Am. Not. Aged. There is cheddar cheese older than me, people. Granted, I have no scientific proof of this – but I’m pretty sure there is. Somewhere. In a government lab maybe.

The irritating thing about this (the wrists, not the ‘as we age’ thing – there’s a whole novel’s worth of posting about how irritating that is) is that there is nothing which helps. It will hurt just exactly the same amount whether I knit / cook / clean / pick up children or not. It will hurt just the same whether I take ibuprofen or not. It will hurt in the presence of alcohol, hot or ice packs, with or without caffeine. I’ve tried every combination and the ‘nothing’ route (no computer, no knitting, no caffeine, no alcohol, nothing), and, well, nothing likewise did nothing for the condition.

The only thing that gave me good relief was a prescription for steroids that knocked it out in under 48 hours – but people, I am not popping a monthly deal like that. My chin is hairy enough without any chemical help, thank you all the same. Because you know, as we age...

On the bright side, however, I don’t have to give up or add anything for the duration. Just grit my teeth and get through it, knowing that it is only a couple days a month and that if I could get through four c-sections I can surely handle this. And resist the urge to self-diagnose myself into having diseases I know I do not have, thanks to modern diagnostic methods which included CT scans, MRIs and about seventy-eleven vials of blood being violently ripped from my body by Satanic vampires posing as innocent lab technicians drawn out of my veins.

Chocolate helps my mood tremendously, though. I like chocolate. Chocolate is an inherent good and there should be Federal programs in place to ensure that every person receives a daily supplement of chocolate. Mothers should receive automatic upgrade to FedEx delivery of a box of Godiva every single day in thanks for all the breeding we do to keep the tax base of this great country alive and well for generations to come. Hallelujah, amen.

Another inherent good: Sub-woofers. Also having LEFT and RIGHT speakers. Put them all together and you’ve got yourself a real good time. I learned earlier that if I turn this system up enough, I can drown out the Denizens even if they are banging wildly on my door screaming about injustices perpetrated by their siblings while their father bellows at them from below to KNOCK IT OFF AND LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALONE ALREADY.

Little known fact: I sing much better when my backup is !!LOUD!! And the more I drink, the better I sing loud with the booma-booma YEE HAW.

However, it is true perhaps that as Yoda reading instructives from Japanese translated by student of Russian swap program I begin to be heard like.

Possibly this is because, as we age, we are less able to metabolize vodka and cranberry juice? Hmm. Possibly. Perhaps I should switch to beer. Yes. Perhaps I should. Could somebody please send chocolate, and also beer?

Thank you I am with sincerities.