Ooooooooh, SNAP!!!

In case you were wondering where I’ve been – physical therapy, twice a week. My back muscles have declared !Mutiny! and are now refusing to support my swayback [lumbar lordosis] which is kind of good news [the osteoarthritis is still only in one knee, one big toe, and one shoulder] and kind of bad news [back pain is very difficult to deal with, especially this kind where there is a physical defect involved] and seems my pelvis is off-kilter probably due to four pregnancies AND having had a toddler on one hip for about seven years straight, AND I AM VERY DELICATE RIGHT NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

Like, say, horoscopes giving you a kick in your already-sore backside!!!

My Daily OM horoscope today said, You may notice that your abundance makes you feel like you have free license to spend on things you don’t need. This may be the result of a feeling of lack in some aspect of your life.

Ooooooh, SNAP!!

It then goes on to remonstrate me, Perhaps today you might think more deeply about the issue of desire versus need.

Yes, ma’am. Thank you, ma’am.

I have a kind of abundance right now in the form of funds meant for the remodeling project. It isn’t the same as ‘having money’, though, since I’ve got to turn right around and hand it over to a variety of suppliers and contractors. Spending it on stuff other than remodeling stuff is an invitation to disaster later.

If I look at how things really are, the real-true bottom line, we’re not doing that hot. It’s going to be an ‘eh’ year, overall. Not the kind of year where you say, “Shoot yes, I can totally afford to buy myself six pairs of tennis shoes!”

And I have felt rather…delicate, lately (no, really? we couldn’t tell…). I feel like a very small boat in a very large ocean, and the waves keep coming from unexpected directions. Or expected ones, but bigger than expected. Or the opposite, which is oddly just as hard. I’m all braced for disastrous news, and it turns out to be nothing – and while I’m glad it wasn’t disaster, at the same time it’s somehow exhausting.

Also, I’m getting a bit seasick, so even little waves make me run for the rail. We need to have dinner? Again? Didn’t we just have dinner last night?! You mean I’ve got to do this every single night?! {Puuuuuuke!} “How about we have a nice pizza delivered?” she asked, weakly.

I have indulged in purchasing extravagant birthday presents for others, over-giving to fundraisers, buying myself new clothes that I pretend make me look less lumpy, getting a suit for my husband (who does need one, but still), etc. etc. etc.

It isn’t that I think it’s wrong to comfort oneself with retail therapy on occasion – it’s more that I have been doing it more and more, and also in an escalating dollar value, and it isn’t actually comforting me. It gives me a temporary attitude boost, but it doesn’t last – and is undone by the bills coming in.

I know better. I really do. I know it isn’t going to cure what ails me. I can’t claim ignorance of the consequences. I know that what I need to do is have some good, long chats with myself about things, about what I need, and what I want, and how badly I want it, and why.

Come right down to it, the list of things I need is very short; and the list of things I really want is likewise not that long. The list of things I kinda want, on the other hand, is huge. Buying crap because I’m experiencing a temporary emotional upheaval can’t end well – nothing says ‘ongoing emotional trauma’ like racking up bills you can’t pay off at the end of the month.

Taking good care of business, on the other hand, lets me sleep better at night, and grants me a better ability to take the waves as they come.

Now if I could just figure out whether every other Aquarius out there is doing the same thing right now, or if the horoscope people have hidden cameras in my purse…