I want hazard pay

Housework, as we all know, is extremely dangerous. It really should only be performed by well-trained professionals. The fact that hundreds of thousands, perhaps even millions, of untrained Americans are taking their lives into their hands every single day attempting such feats as doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom should be of major concern to each and every one of us. The burden placed on our medical community from housework-related accidents is devastating. Not to mention the ecological disaster caused by billions of band-aids being produced and then tossed into landfills!

For perfect example: Today, I was cleaning the kitchen. I knew it was dangerous! I knew a license is required for services costing over $500! But like many scofflaws, I thought I was above the law. I simply drew down my shades, picked up a sponge, and started to work.

Things were going well, until I got to the cooktop – my mortal enemy.

I lifted up the lid to clean the junk that accumulates underneath it. I wiped down the knobs. I ran the sponge firmly along the outer edge, to get all the hot holy @*^&, it bit my finger!!!

That’s right. The cooktop? Bit. Me.

Turns out, it has a sharp edge down at the bottom, where the glass panel for the knobs meets the stainless steel hood. I’m sure if I had actually gone through the licensing process, I would have been aware of this pitfall – but I had not.

And now, I have the Paper Cut of the Gods +10 (Chaotic Evil) on my left ring finger. And like most wounds that are not really serious at all – it hurts like @*^&@in’ @*^&.

And, I have gone through no fewer than eight (8) band-aids today. The first three soaked through, and then I forgot I was wearing one and stuck my hand into dishwater (see? housework is the cause of all my sorrows!).

Then I put on two because I thought, “Ha ha! I know, I’ll put one on, and then another one, which will keep the first one in place!”

They popped right off the finger and fell into my knitting basket. By the way – this particular cut reacts to nice fresh air brushing across it precisely as though I had thrust it into a vat of vinegar, lemon juice and salt. Yeah. It’s a toe-curler.

And now I have another set of two very determined band-aids. One cloth ‘fingertip’ band-aid, covered by a whacking huge “blister treatment” one. It’s not really a band-aid, it’s designed for blisters (duh, hence the ‘blister treatment’ on the box) – I’ve loved them for actual blisters caused, say, by knitting frantically day and night for two weeks because CHRISTMAS IS COMING. But now, I have found another use! These things do not come off easily, and kind of fuse together where they overlap. HA! Take that, slippery band-aid syndrome!!

But, returning to more serious matters: I have learned my lesson. From here on out, I’m leaving the housework to the trained professionals, and I urge you to do likewise. Do not make the same mistakes I have made! Save yourself who knows how much grief and pain and cost-of-band-aids!

Stick with knitting. It’s safer.

Now, if anybody needs me, I’ll be in my knitting chair repeatedly stabbing myself with those sharp lace-pointed needles…