Me wannit…

Right now, my gray water collection goes like this:

1. Dip bucket into tub to fill

2. Heft bucket out to garden

3. Pour bucket of water onto garden (I use this mainly on the roses, trees and front lawn, not so much the veggies because I am [probably needlessly] anxious about having soap-flavored tomatoes)

4. Repeat…repeat…repeat…repeat…the bucket holds about two gallons (and I am somewhat girly, so that’s all I’d be willing to attempt anyway), and the average bath around here is forty gallons (but does often get two kids clean before being ‘recycled’ so I suppose I can’t complain too much) (except that I do anyway because, well, what fun would self-inflicted back pain be without the vigorous complaining?!)

5. Lie on couch and complain vigorously about sore back

6. Vehemently and indignantly reply, “Don’t you know we have a DROUGHT ON RIGHT NOW?!?!” when loved ones hesitantly bring up the possibility of NOT hauling 3,000 buckets of water out to the garden each day because seriously – who does that?!

But the truth is, I don’t collect nearly the water I could because yeah. My back hurts and it’s late and I don’t feel like it and then somebody pulls the plug in the tub because I didn’t get around to it and I would get all huffy except that I’m secretly relieved because gah, hauling that bucket is a pain in the neck. And back. And elbow. And shoulder. And, well, everywhere else, too.

While continuing to plan out the Greatly Expanded Garden Project, though, I recognize that I need to do better, sore back, bad attitude and laziness notwithstanding. California is (as usual) in a drought year. While we don’t have water rationing here in town (yet), it is my duty both civic and frugal to reduce how much water I suck out of the potable water system as much as possible, as soon as possible.

Because I am a tool user, I started thinking about better ways to do this.

The first thing that popped into my mind was something with, you know, wheels. Like, say, a smallish garbage can with wheels on it. I could put a few gallons at a time into that (because filling it all the way up would be too heavy for me to move, and would probably snap the wheels off the tote [which is not designed to carry water, but rather garbage that will be mostly loosely-packed things like packaging], which would then pour $DEITY only knows how many gallons of gray water all of my carpet), and roll it out to the garden…and then I’d get the water out again with, uh, well, let’s see, how do people do that gas-siphoning thing, maybe that would work…

And then I go wildly off-topic because I start thinking about gray water getting in my mouth and trying to decide which would be worse, gasoline or gray water. Not from a ‘taste’ perspective but a ‘germy’ one…let’s put it this way, I consider the gray water from Captain Adventure’s bath to be a two-hit wonder, kind of an all-in-one water recycling and composting adventure.

That boy loses about five pounds in dirt with every bath, I swear he does.

So today I started looking at the possibilities. Rubbermaid makes some nice things, and oh! Look at this rain barrel thing, yes, that might work, I could rig up a high-to-low flow thing from the wheeled totes to a rain barrel with a spigot that would then allow me to water things, although I might need a pump which would mean I’d need to actually filter the gray water which, you know, sigh, now we’re getting into the complicated and expensive stuff which is largely why my methods to date have been a bucket. Oh! And a small plastic cup I use to get those last bits into the bucket.

I know. My technological advances are stunning. A bucket! And a plastic cup! Whoa! Somebody call NASA, this girl is smokin’…

BUT. As I was clicking through sites with $6,999 ‘whole garden rain and gray water collection Solutions’, I found…oooooooh, I found… the EnviroWaterBoy .

And then I went like this: “Ooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!”

And then I spent $500 in my head. $400 for the 24-gallon unit, and $100 for the solar charges because people?

We have sun.

Lots and lots and lots of it.

Please to note that it has wheels. And a sprayer. And no plumbing skills required, can I get a ‘hallelujah’? Just dump the suction hose into the bathtub and it goes “slurp! slurp! slurp!” and sucks the water in, and then you wheel it out to your garden and it goes “sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh!” with the sprayer and you can spray the water where you want it to go and I waaaaaaaannnniiiiiittttttttt.

And thus do I realize where my children get their Gimmies from, because I sound just like a five year old in the toy aisle of Target. Please? PLEASE?! PRETTY PLEASE! But I WANT IT! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE!! NO! NOoooOOooooOoooOOOOOOO, we CAN’T LEAVE.

I.
WANT.
IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, I don’t get one. My petty cash at the moment is a whopping, uh, well…I think I’ve got twenty bucks in my wallet. We have had six solid months with one big ticket item or another hitting us for anywhere from $400 to $900.

I need a few months (or years) with minimal smack-downs to get us back on track.

I don’t get any $400 gray water solutions. {quivering pouty lip}

Oh well. The world is full of such things. I’d also like a $30,000 solar system on my roof and six more drum composters. I’d also like a well. And to annex a couple acres from the ranches behind me (think they’d notice if I just sort of pushed my fence out? Maybe only a few feet at a time?).

Still.

I’d really like one.

Eventually.

…but for now, I’ll settle for something water tight, with wheels…

…hmm, you know, actually? Maybe a wheeled cooler…one with a valve to let the melted ice out…wheel it out where you want it, open the valve, and walk away while it drains…hey, that has possibilities! Also, I think I already have one out in the shed...