The only thing I hate more than clothes shopping in general is shopping for dresses.
And the only thing worse than shopping for dresses in general is shopping for a specific kind of dress.
Like, say, something to wear to a black-and-white “affair.”
…if somebody could just, like, stab me right now, that’d be awesome. I mean, don’t kill me or anything, that’d be bad, but, you know, just wound me badly enough that I can honestly say, “Aww, gosh, I’m so sorry that I couldn’t attend le soiree, but I am just completely laid up right now…”
I’m pretty sure it would be less painful than trying to shop for a new dress.
FIRST OF ALL…when exactly did “sleeves” become taboo? Seriously. It is January, people. I am not going to go prancing around in a sleeveless little confection with my goose-pimples playing peekaboo with $DEITY and everybody.
I am one of those people who starts whining that it feels awfully cold in here when the temperature drops below about 70 degrees, and escalates the whining to a continual, high-pitched drone if it goes any lower than that.
YES, I AM A SPOILED-ROTTEN CALIFORNIA BABY. I AM CURRENTLY WEARING TWO SHIRTS AND A SWEATER AND A VEST AND IT IS A ‘TOASTY’ 65 DEGREES AND EVERYBODY WHO LIVES ANYWHERE THAT HAS ACTUAL WINTER IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT ME AND I DON’T CARE.
I’m cold, dammit.
If I weren’t also cheap, I would so have cranked up the heater by now.
But I digress.
Sleeveless sheathes of floaty-chiffon = OUT.
SECONDLY, do you know what I do not need? A slit in my dress extending all the way up to my darned crotch.
Just, no.
Nor do I feel any particular need to wear a dress whose entire corset area is see-through. I mean, really now. Nobody wants to be resting their eyeballs on my ever-so-alluring grandma-bras, people. NOBODY.
Oh, there’s a half-way decent…seven-hundred-and-how-many-bucks?!-yeah-ok-no-NEXT!!!
Argh.
Look. It’s very simple: I just want something black and/or white that is pretty but not too short, too revealing, too old-lady-ish, flattering to a body that hasn’t completely given up all hope of being female, buuuuuuut also admittedly has a bit of (ahem) mileage on it.
And isn’t, you know, boring.
Like maybe this. Only in black and white. Because, black and white event, duh.
Or since it’s a kinda formal-ish thing, maybe this one. It’s interesting, right?
Hmm, maybe this is a little…much…
No, wait-wait-wait, this is much better…the collar makes this thing…
…no, I have NOT gotten sidetracked, I assure you I am LASER-FOCUSED right now…
OK, maybe a little sidetracked.
Sigh.
…somehow, stabbing myself to get out of going at all to this thing is starting to sound more and more rational…
5 comments:
Omg I hear you. Aside from not being able to find anything I like, in my size, that also looks good on me, there's also my aversion to spending ridiculous amounts of money on whatever I eventually might find.
I need someone with style and taste and an understanding of my budget to take a life sized mannequin of me and pick something. Otherwise I storm through a store at a quick march, muttering "no, no, hell no, uh no, nope" and leave.. repeat two or three times before going home, without a dress, but with a seriously bad attitude.
I still have the dress I wore to your wedding because I hate shopping and a 20 year old green celvet dress is good for every occassion
For the cold, two words: lace shawl. Come on, girl, you are a knitter, and knitters have no excuse for being chilled. As for the rest of it, I concur. Note to the fashion industry: Please make formal attire for the 99% of the women in the world that are not six foot tall, twenty-something, size 0.
I kind of like the last one....has a very subtle "Evil Queen" vibe going on, with just a touch of Sarah Jessica Parker goes to the Met. I think you could pull that off, no problem! :-p Seriously, I hear you....talk about a one-way trip to blah!
Darling, I think you need to go on-line shopping - in the 21st Century. Try it! It works!
And I get what you mean about sleeves and cold. And BTW - whose dumb idea was it to make sweaters with 3/4 length sleeves. Really?? I mean REALLY?? However, in evening wear, a jacket or a wrap can be helpful.
Good luck!
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